13 traits women look for in a man

We have all heard that “first impressions are critical”, which I agree. I spend a great deal of time on this in my book Man of Real. How to dress, importance of self-care and your “style” ...all important. Women will usually be most attracted initially to your style, if you have one.

So in today’s discussion we are going to assume you have your “style” going on and you are dating. What you don’t want to be for any of these categories is to try to be someone you are not. With that in mind let’s talk about the top traits that women find attractive in a man. And then I am going to tell you how to improve your score, and get one step closer to becoming a Man of Real.

The bonus here is that if you strive to be the best you can be in these categories you will be a better human overall, in addition to likely becoming more successful in your relationships and the rest of your life as well, including your career. So, work on these. Big biceps only take you so far.

Here are the top 13 traits women are seeking

#1 - Personality – years ago I worked as an executive coach/consultant to teach/develop technology company executives so they could give more dynamic conference presentations and to make them more likable in terms of the people they managed. It was a daunting task because they were sexist and egotistical middle-aged men, primarily former engineers and accountants who worked their way to the top. Most of them had the personality of a coffee table. After a few clients I gave it up. It was just hard to help someone when they could not see themselves for who they really were.

I’m telling you this story because I can’t tell you or teach you how to have a personality women will like. I can tell you if you develop your listening skills to the point where you are really hearing what your date is telling you and care about it, you have made a great first step. Resist the urge to always talk about yourself. Stop talking so much in general. You won’t be interesting until you are interested in someone else.

Women, along with everyone else, want to be with someone who cares not only about them but other people as well. And just being “nice” doesn’t mean you have a great personality. Talking less means you listen and learn more. It also creates more “mystery” about you, which will also make you more attractive.

#2 – Sense of humor – this usually isn’t on the list for guys, as we are more visual, but it is a big one for women. It doesn’t mean you have to have a portfolio of stand-up jokes. It just means you can see the fun side of life and know when to provide a timely comment with a smile. And to be able to laugh at yourself at times. Generally, you must be a good listener to have a sense of humor. If you can make her laugh you will likely get a second date. If you can blend humor with being “playful” you will relax your date much faster than telling her about all your accomplishments.

#3 – Intelligence – most of us like to be with someone who is close to where we are in terms of intelligence and a realistic view of the world. If your IQ is higher than average (98)... don’t bring this up with a date – in fact don’t bring up IQ at all. In case you are not aware IQ stands for Intelligence Quotient. If you have been telling people about your high IQ you probably need to work on your EQ, which can mean Emotional Quotient or Empathy Quotient. They are not the same thing. While emotional intelligence refers to the ability to identify, understand, and manage one's own emotions and the emotions of others, empathy specifically refers to the ability to understand and share the feelings of another person. Your I.Q. is what it is...the E.Q - either version... you can improve.

#4 – Kindness – women see this in the way you treat the wait staff at a restaurant, or when you hold the door for an elderly person. It also comes across in how you describe other people. It doesn’t make you “weak” as a male to be kind. You can be strong and kind.

#5 – Empathy – when your date tells you about something she is dealing with don’t immediately go to something about you. Again, this is where your “listening” comes in. Try to be in her heart when she’s telling you a story about herself or others. It’s also a step toward developing your intuition. Don’t analyze everything she talks to you about. It’s fine to ask her at times “why” she feels strongly about something. And there’s no need to provide a solution to every challenge she mentions.

#6 – Good hygiene – this is covered in the self-care chapter extensively in my book, but always make sure you shower daily. For some people, including me, smell is very important. And most importantly for guys…keep yourself groomed, and not just your facial hair – your ears and nose too. Brush your teeth often and carry the portable floss picks with you for after meals, along with mint gum or mints. Use a water flosser in the morning and evenings. Again...much more in the Self Care chapter of my book on this.

#7 – Don’t be a slob – guys get a bad rap for being slobs when they are single. Keep your car and home free of clutter, trash and dirt. If you have a date for a sleepover, make sure you always have clean sheets etc. on the bed…and that it is “made” when she arrives. Every Friday evening, I clean my car. Every Saturday morning, I clean my house and do laundry…get into a “clean” routine. Even if you don’t have a date for the weekend, you will feel better about starting the week if your house and car are clean.

#8 - Self-awareness – Many women think most men are oblivious to who and what they are. That’s probably true to some degree, and there’s the fact that some men don’t really care. I think about the guy who looks in the mirror and says, “Damn…I look good,” when he may not be able to see his feet when looking down. Try talking to people who care about you in terms of ways you can improve yourself.. I would suggest here that you really focus on “confidence”. Don’t confuse it with arrogance. Be confident that you are the best person you can be. That’s really what a woman wants to know. Listening and confidence from you can be the beginning of her feeling “safe” with you which is so very important.

#9 – Vulnerability – Most women, or at least the ones I would want to be in a relationship with, like vulnerability. It’s showing you are fallible and human. Being a “bad boy” is attractive to women who usually have issues themselves in terms of their self-image. It doesn’t mean you are weak – just human. Author Brene Brown says in her book Daring Greatly that vulnerability is “uncertainty, risk and emotional exposure.” It’s the feeling when you step outside your comfort zone, or we do something that loosens our control. Again, it shows we are human as males and is attractive to most women.

#10 – Ability to love – there are people…men and women I know, who have great personalities. Everyone wants to be around them because they are funny and fun to be with. But they can’t seem to let people in to love them, and to love back. This point could also be titled “willingness to love”. We all have the ability to love. But because of past experiences or insecurity some of us can’t seem to get there. It won’t take a woman long to see if you have that ability or willingness to love. You may have to start thinking differently with this one if you want to be in a relationship...for more than a few months.

#11 – Nonjudgmental – this one is easy. Don’t make moral judgments of others. If you haven’t walked in their shoes, you don’t know their story. More understanding and less judgment. It will be good for you and verifies that you are not just a pretty boy.

#12 – Passion – Do you have passion for adventure and learning? It’s an emotion that’s very attractive for some because it can be based on an excitement that is contagious, even if the other person doesn’t have the same level of interest. There’s also “passion” in the sexual sense that goes beyond just having sex. Many times, the people who are passionate about life in general are also passionate sexually. Having passion about life is sexy.

#13 – Sex Drive – This is an interesting one because the sex drive can be fueled by some partners and not others. It may have been lost after many years of marriage to someone who had very little or no interest in sex. If a woman is interested in a sexual relationship at some point down the road she will want to know if you are a sexual person, either through experience or perhaps with a direct question. This is one where compatibility is very important.

These are the areas where you have a chance to connect and where compatibility enters the picture. How do you rate with the big 13 overall with women? Where are you in your relationship with the current woman in your life...your score?

For the full story on becoming a Man of Real check out my book by this title and the 29 Minute Guide to Love & Relationships.